I apologize about checking in more regularly. It was a sweaty adventure to try to keep that family/life/work balance manageable. Some of my musings during that balancing or not-balancing act led to this blog post. Here goes. The small, even tiny, moments/actions/shifts can and will create change. Change that can be enduring. Change that feels good.
The importance of me time. What does that look like when you are a wife, mother, therapist, friend, daughter and sister? Too much me time would be thought of as selfish; right? Too little me time would be thought of as unhealthy; right? Balance is probably the answer? How to achieve that is another adventure entirely. How to you delineate where you spend your time; your energy? How do you determine who or what is a priority? How do we decide where our time should go? There is a lot of different options such as spending time on managing your business, exploring your passions, working out, decompressing by watching “my shows”, reading books and whittling away at my Good Reads goal for the year. Wait there is more. What about blogging, window-web shopping, playing Mancala with my boys, trying out that new dish I saved on Pinterest and going on hiking adventures? How do you choose where and how you spend your time? What is the equation that would balance the desire to be there for my family , maintain my Girl Boss status and maintain a beneficial and meaningful self care routine? Shouldn’t I have all the answers? Let’s stay strength based and focused on achieving our goals. What is present when this balance is achieved? An honest appraisal is that is has never been at that perfect level. The template of my dreams has eluded me. It has been close. On those days, I didn’t feel as empty at the end of my day. I didn’t “really need” those extra minutes staying up too late to watch CSI (the original-the old ones if you were wondering…started from the beginning-that was 2 years ago). Back on track. Has this “template of my dreams” changed because the world has changed and me along with it? Adapt or Die; right? Of course it has changed. I want to be real, open and honest. That is why I see myself as a co-pilot verses an expert in a big chair with a blazer. The Pandemic has taken away one of my go-to me time activities; live music. It’s as simple and so much more than Dance it out. Work it out. Yes; Grey’s Anatomy is one of “my shows”. There is a lot of self-disclosure in this blog post. My whole being has been effected by this change. This change effects our opportunities. Access. Good by live music. Good bye babysitters. Good by eating in a restaurant. They are all intertwined. My self care template of my dreams was damaged by this Pandemic. Adapt? Find something else? Take up pickle ball? I did adapt. I stream live shows from my house. Ignore my children playing Minecraft or Fortnite (please don’t judge me) so I can boogie. To be honest; it isn’t the same. I am not dancing along side anyone. My shoes are sticky. I didn’t almost get spilled on or crushed trying to get a good spot. I didn’t wait in Chicago traffic to barely make it there and race in just to hear the notes of a favorite song. There is something very satisfying about kissing and hugging my children (they are teenagers so I am not allowed to do that anymore but, the rich imagery still propels me), saying goodbye, fist bumping the babysitter and driving very fast with music blaring out of our neighborhood. My self care was also date nights with my spouse. Trying new foods, driving downtown to look at murals and just stop in somewhere that caught our eye. Going to the museum and chatting with other people about our love of art, literature and spoken word. Adapt? I did. Don’t get me wrong. I will survive. I haven’t taken up pickle ball if you were wondering. I will do my best to find some me time in every day. I will plan with creative juices to create a date night. Am I supposed to have all the answers? No. I am supposed to want to create solutions within myself and with my clients. I would love to hear about your Me Time Dream Templates and your Me Time Mishaps.
The name of my blog is , “A Psychotherapist’s Journey”. I know that it can be dangerous to share our inner dialogue, our experience, our truth. It may be judged, minimized, criticized. We in turn may be judged for even sharing it. Let alone on the content of the message. I also know that if we don’t risk and share our truth there will not be change. There will not be change within. There will not be change in our community, culture or country. I am a trauma therapist. I am a relational and systems therapist. I am white. I am Jewish. I am a woman. I am a mother. I am a human being. I speak because I cannot be silent. Thank you for listening and bearing witness. Thank you for listening to me tell my story. It heals.
Hearing the testimony of the witnesses during the trial of Derek Chauvin prompted my need to share my thoughts, feelings and reactions. Bearing witness to their trauma had an effect on me. Seeing their bodily reactions while retelling what they witnessed brought out an incredible amount of sadness and anger within me. I felt sadness and anger when I heard that he had had died while being knealed on by a police officer. I work with first responders, including police offiers. I personally know first responders and police officers. George Floyd should still be alive. It’s that simple. What happened should not have happened. It’s not allowable for any reason. It can’t be justified or explained.
I saw the video before they showed it at the trial. I cannot unsee it. I was very troubling to bear witness and hear the witnesses share their feelings of guilt, helplessness, realizing they were witnessing a murder and being kept up at night. Watching them emotionally and physically react as they literally relived their already difficult experience was an additional wound for them and for all of us bearing witness. I talk about bearing witness. What does that mean exactly? I bear witness daily as I sit with clients in theapy and participate in their healing. Telling your story is healing. Telling your story in the presence of an empathic witness can be transformative.
I bear witness as clients talk of some of their darkest days. I bear witness to words and stories that have never been uttered before. They have run around their heads. Tortured their psyche. Disattached them from their strength. Told them not to hold hope. I bear witness to profound strength, courage, resilience and passion. My clinical training and my wellness toolbox enable me to feel protected, move through it and work through trauma.
It is like a coat that manages, calms and balances countertransference. It informs my presence. My wise mind is able to weather the storm. It instructs me. Guides me to separate myself, manage my reactions to remain present and connected to health and healing. However, I cannot remain too separate, too removed. I would then become ineffectual. Disconnected from my body, my mind, my skills, my experience, my intuition, my creativity and my training. I have been practicing psychotherapy long enough that its more like an automatic pilot or a program that has been download and runs in the background. When I move out of it I am for the most part able to use my best tool, myself, to help myself move through it. I make adjustments, check in and re check in with myself to remain in this space.
But let’s be real. When my world was pierced with the knowledge of what happened to George Floyd I was not in therapy mode. I was not occupying that space with those skills and those therapeutic protective barriers. I was me. Just little old me. The me that spoke for people and animals that could not tell their story long before I became a therapist.
The female woman is deeply effected by what she just heard. What? What happened? What didn’t happen? How did this happen? Who let this happen? Who will stop this from happening again? These were some of the thoughts running through my head as tears poured down my face. This very thing happened to me again as I bore witness to his death all over again during the trial. How traumatic for them to be present as this tragedy unfolded. They are forever changed. I would imagine that most of the witnesses felt triggered before, during and after giving their testimony; bearing witness. Hearing that a male witness was described as “Breaking Down.” is ripe with stigma. It mislabels the experience. This adds to the collective trauma. The male witness was reliving a horrific and traumatizing event. His reaction was a normal and expected reaction to re-living, to living. It takes courage to own and tell your story.
We are all forever changed. Bearing witness does that. Witnessing someone being killed changes you. Living in a country where this can and does happen changes you. Working through that traumatic experience changes you.
We have to change. We cannot go back and fix what happened that night. We must move forward and create change. Change must be mandated. Required. Lives depend on it.
This is not a test. This is the real thing. I like many of you have been personally coping with major stress, threats to physical safety, economic circumstances and changes that effect my daily life. A lot of information coming from many sources. Our roles at home, at work and in the community have changed. Feelings of overwhelm, stress, uncertainty, grief and sadness are normal reactions.
My role as a mother, daughter, sister, spouse, friend, psychotherapist and sole proprietor of a small business has changed. I am adapting. Learning new skills. Sharpening old ones. Being resourceful. Creative. My work world. My home life. My inner world. Keeping perspective. Looking outward. Embracing change. Moving forward.
It has always been my choice to meet with a client in person. There is something so unique, alive and organic that occurs when people connect and create an environment that promotes healing and growth. I have participated in Telehealth with clients. This is not new for me. I have supported clients through cancer treatments, chronic illness which leaves them homebound or in a hospital or deployment. I have counseled clients following a traumatic event. I have helped families cope with crises. I am continually growing and learning new skills as I continue to meet the needs of my clients.
This is different.
This is not a test.
This is very real. People are in crisis. Families are in crisis. Our communities are in crisis. Our world is in crisis.
I have clients who have retreated into themselves. Into very dark places. This is more than self quarantining. This is more than an Executive Order to stay at home.
This is about worrying about basic needs. This is worrying about the safety and health of our loved ones both young and old. This is worrying about businesses that are “my child”, “my livelihood”, “my children’s college education”, “poured years of sweat, tears, money into this on a daily basis”, “I have missed major events, taken time away from family and this could all go away”. ” I am fighting the urge to drink or smoke more”. I haven’t struggled with cravings for years.”
I hear you. I see you. I’ve got you.
This is having to cancel or postpone a child’s birthday party. This is having to explain to a child that their birthday will look differently this year. This is a gut wrenching anxiety that most of us have even know that hits when you realize that people have horded supplies and there is no toilet paper, milk, eggs etc. This is hearing on the news that of thousands of people are dying from a virus that has no vaccine and no cure.
This is real. This is not a test. I hear you. I see you. I’ve got you.
I give everyone permission, myself included, to check in with yourself and do what you need to do to feel safe. Avoid comparing yourself to others. Please stay informed. Knowledge is power. It fights uncertainty with fact. Just be mindful. Hear an update. Check in about headlines. Then take a break. Practice self care. Talk to others. Get out of your comfort zone and use technology to connect. It will fight the darkness, the isolation, the sadness, anxiety, feelings of loneliness and overwhelm. Tell someone else what you are going through. Check in on a loved one. Check in on the extroverts; its rough right now. Check in on the introverts; its rough right now.
Give yourself permission to redefine your definition of productive. Redefine your daily goals. Make a new routine. Dig deep. Stay open to change. Be gentle to yourself. Talk back to your critic. Listen to your wise mind. Find reasons to laugh. Make them happen.
Most important of all. You are not alone. Help is out there. Tell your story it heals. It really does. We are inherently resilient. It still takes a village. Even a village that practices social distancing and is under an Executive Stay at Home Order.
This is real. This is not a test. I hear you. I see you. I’ve got you.
Are you feeling stuck? Overwhelmed? Out of answers? Are you on the verge of giving up on your dream, goal, pursuit, relationship; yourself? If you are considering giving up what would be a sign that would keep you moving towards that goal? What happened that made you want to give it up and has become the “last straw”? Are you looking for a sign? Would an accountability partner help you stay the course? Are you battling an old belief that you can’t succeed? Are you battling an inner voice that you don’t deserve happiness and success? What would it take to shut this critic down? What is in the way? Is it permission you need? You’ve got it. You have my permission to believe in yourself. You have my permission to defy all odds and succeed. You have my permission to step through the fear! You have my permission to not give up; to never give in. You have my permission to prove them wrong. Prove yourself wrong while you are at it. You have my permission to gather the supports you need to keep moving towards that goal. Tirelessly. Relentlessly. Passionately. Aggressively.
I would love to hear your thoughts, comments and suggestions! What resonated? What called to you?
Let me explain myself. Be careful with the stories you tell about yourself. How we speak about ourselves matters. How we story our experiences matters. The way that we view ourselves, our world, our relationships; it matters. What we believe we become.
We are able to rewrite our story. We can alter our narrative and shift the way we view someone, an event or an experience. This can have a positive effect on us individually and relationally. We can heal our parts, our wounds, our past. In doing so we can change what our future looks like. We can lift a weight. We can re-attach to hope. We can rise; like a Phoenix.
As you all know, I am a psychotherapist. I am also a suicide prevention and intervention advocate. I have been involved in suicide prevention efforts for almost 25 years. Walking in Out of the Darkness Walks as a college student. I became very involved both personally and professionally when my friend and colleague died by suicide. I have walked in honor of Yanitza for twenty years. I am the former chairperson of the Lake County Suicide Prevention Task Force (LCSPTF). I am a founding member of the LCSPTF. I have remained an active member since its inception over ten years ago. I examine statistics, trends and unfortunately suicide clusters. The LCSPTF was founded after Lake County lost many first responders (mainly police officers) to suicide. That created a ripple through both the first responder community and the suicide prevention/mental health community in Lake County. It was a call to action.
There has been an increase in the number of people aged fifty five and older that have died by suicide. One suicide is too many. This is a call to action. Since 2020, suicide rates have increased 3%. Among fifteen to twenty-four year old age group the increase is 8%. One suicide is too many. This is a call to action.
Suicide grows as a risk for while elderly males as they age. White men who are eighty five and older have the highest suicide rate of ANY group at 51.4 per 100,000. This is a call to action. For comparison. the highest rate for white women peaks between forty five and sixty four at 7.8 per 100,000. read those last few sentences again if you need to. WHITE MEN OVER THE AGE OF 85 ARE DYING BY SUICIDE AT AN ALARMING RATE. This is a statistical trend that hurts my heart and lights a fire within me. This is a call to action.
The risk factors outnumber the protective factors for this at-risk group. This is a call to action. There risk factors are directly related to the elevated numbers of those dying by suicide and are a source of prevention and intervention. Among them are depression, and other mental health concerns. Substance use including prescription medication are risk factors. A risk factor that is statistically proving to be very significant is the presence of physical illness, disability and chronic pain. Lastly, social isolation is a risk factor that often acerbates co-occurring risk factors. These are all also opportunities for prevention and intervention. Access to resources, clinical care and post-vention efforts save lives. This is a call to action.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts, stories of hope, healing and activism. It truly takes a village. I am glad you are a part of mine.
Reach out. Get Help. You do not have to go through this alone. You are worth the time spent on your healing.
If you are in emotional distress or in a suicidal crisis you can call, text, or chat 988 and be connected to someone who can listen, offer support and connection to resources (if needed).
1-800-273-8255 (TALK) remains open in addition to the newly named 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Reach out. Get Help. You do not have to go through this alone. You are worth the time spent on your healing.
If you are in emotional distress or in a suicidal crisis you can call, text, or chat 988 and be connected to someone who can listen, offer support and connection to resources (if needed).
I would like to pose this question to couples-
Q: If we had to visualize our relationship as a GPS program; how far apart do our little icons pop up? ~credited to Jeffrey Sumber from Renew your Wows
I want to hear from you. How long have you been together? Do you believe that these coordinates can become closer together; more aligned?
I can hold the hope for you until you are ready to take it on. Taking it on will help build a shield to brace for the fear, the uncertainty; the doubt that we will get through this.
Marriages; like all living things need to be tended to. They need love and attention beyond the rising of the sun and the occasional rain. We must stay present in order to continue to meet the ever changing needs of our partner.
Can you look up your last location? Closer or further from each other? Are you willing to do what it takes to create change in your relationship?
I can’t wait to hear you.
The view from my chair. The view is never the same. How is that, you may ask? I am not talking about a changing a pillow or choosing a different accent color for a wall. I have occupied the same office space for almost 2 decades. What do I think about the people that come to sit on my couch? How do I view them? How do I conceptualize my role as psychotherapist.
I am a witness. I am a copilot. My vantage point is one of resiliency, strength, possibility, growth and change. Each person is unique. They have a unique story to tell in their own unique way. Unique. Special. Different. My client holds the power.The power to overcome, re-write, evolve, create and feel better. We all deserve to feel seen, heard and cared about. The therapeutic relationship creates an environment in which old wounds can be healed while creating a pathway to new ways of relating and emoting.
The relationship created between myself and my client’s is sacred. The power lies with the client. I work for them. My client leads me. I work for them. I have to make sure that I am listening. I try to remain curious. It would dishonor their autonomy to assume that I know them better than they know themselves. While in therapy we will engage in difficult conversations. It will sometimes be uncomfortable. Sometimes you will feel “worse” following a session. This is the type of discomfort that reminds you that changes are occurring. It is an honor to sit with clients in the discomfort,. Together we move through it and transform it.
Taking time to reflect and reset. What does that mean? How do I accomplish that? How do I add this to my routine?
Taking part in a reflection moment on a regular basis can be a wonderful tool to add to your wellness toolbox. The purposeful action of engaging in reflection can be accomplished in as little as five minutes or you can block off up to thirty minutes if your schedule allows. You can utilize pen, paper, record video or make an audio recording. It is also an equally meaningful experience to sit quietly with yourself and your mind as your only tool. There are no required supplies except yourself. Please do what is comfortable for yourself. It may also change and shift with your current needs. This can also be a component of your process of reflection.
A sample template you can start with and build upon, centers around creating a time limited space which is sacred and focused. The act or process of reflection is not intended to be a duel with your critic or a race to trying to swim out of an eddy created by past trauma(s). This act of reflection is more like a recap of the last episode prior to viewing the most recent/present episode or moment. It is a temperature reading of where you are at. It is a honest appraisal of what you need to assist you in continuing to heal, live fully, honor yourself, create joy, seek a deeper level of happiness. The space it creates is one of hope and healing.
There is a crucial component. The Reset. Can the space, journey of reflection and break give you a feeling of resting, rebooting and being ready to move forward?
It’s ok to do it scared. It’s ok to have reservations. It doesn’t need to look pretty. It’s a commitment to give yourself the space to reflect, reset and move through. To keep on keepin’ on! To rise like that Phoenix! To be able to rewrite our story. Re-author it.
It takes time. It is a process. What worked? Repeat. What didn’t? Tweak it. Change it. Shape it.
We are not on this journey alone. You are worth the time spent on your healing. You are deserving and capable of support and connection .
September is Suicide Prevention Month. I have been walking to raise awareness for Suicide Prevention for almost 18 years. I have walked in the AFSP Out of the Darkness Walks in many different states. Almost ten years ago, a group of concerned community members, including myself, were shocked at the number of first responders in Lake County who had died by suicide. We decided to take action and The Lake County Suicide Prevention Task Force was born. On that first walk we joined the families of the first responders who had died by suicide and we put our feet to the pavement. We walked, told and heard stories of their lives, grieved together and found hope. It is from this place of hope that we support one another, honor those we have lost, give voice to those still struggling and provide a space for healing. The annual walk continues to raise money for prevention efforts, clinical and community trainings and a community resource guide. I am still walking to end stigma. I care about our world, our community and our residents. We must keep striving to do better. Fight stigma. Break down stereotypes. I will keep walking.
The Lake County Suicide Prevention Task Force meets on the 2nd Tuesday of the Month from 11:00am-12:30pm. We are virtual for now. Please contact me at meredith@meredithwoodtherapist.com with any questions or to receive the zoom link. We are always looking to add members. Take action. Restore Hope. Create Change. Hope to see you there.
You are not alone. You are worth every moment spent on your healing. Please reach out. Get help.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-283-8255
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Sometimes, things just line up. The day that goes as planned. The idea you have been growing is finally ready to be put into action. The weather happens to be perfect on the day you are having family over to eat outside; Covid style. The connections you have been creating and building have created opportunities for your business to grow. A referral you received months ago has turned into taking on a new client. A deal you have been working on closed today. What is your experience of success? You woke up, decided to stop procrastinating and made that very important call regarding your health. Sometimes, things just line up.
What is your experience of success? What happens when things just line up? What happens when you get what you have want?
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